Turning Chaos into Cosmos

I’m sitting here again… In the middle of the night with a snake nest of feelings. I’m thinking about my ex, if I dare to trust him again. Should I follow my heart or do what I have been doing for more than a year now and try to resist? Or should I just throw myself out there over the cliff and feel. Love without limits and not knowing what will come next. Stop thinking and live like there is no tomorrow. Love with all I have got knowing that it might hurt in the end but just be here and now and let go of all control that I love to have.
Maybe, I don’t know. If I do I will feel like I betray my friends that has been there for me.
But if I don’t then maybe I betray me. My panic attacks are an indicator that I am not doing very well. So I will take one day at a time and do what feels best in that moment when it comes to love. I don’t know what will happen and it is ok. Maybe I need to break down in a way I never have done before to be able to move on? Who knows..  All I know is that I do love him and I can not deny that, I will stop trying to understand why I love him, it just is.
I am sure it will resolve itself for the better. 

I am worried about my Visa renewal.. I put my trust in a dear friend but it might not turn out like it was planned and that means I will have some problems getting my visa and without my visa I will not get a work permit. I need to have some money in the bank just for show and since I don’t make that much working here it can be hard to raise the money especially at the beginning of the season so I was planning on doing 3 years this time so I eliminate one thing that gives me stress. But now I don’t know what will happen. I believe in my friend, I don’t loose faith. Maybe I just need to ask a few more people instead of getting it all from one place. I am confident in that it will be ok.
I will get my Visa for more than one year.

I seem to have lost a few friends this week and I get remarks and comments that hurt my feelings. I don’t know what is going on but I don’t like it so I am distancing myself from them. I wonder if it has to do with the massive de-cluttering I did in my bedroom, it can stir up a lot of things if you believe in Feng Shui like I do.. People are just rude out of no where saying horrible things and you become totally shocked because you don’t see it coming. I guess I need to do some cleaning… I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
Well I wish those people luck in their lives and I hope they will live a long and happy life.

Now when they are gone there are room for some lovely and positive people. People who sees ME and accepts that I am different but have a good heart. People who inspires me and let me return the favor. I met one woman, she is a bit older but what and inspiration she is. I hope I am like her when I reach her age.
Wow, she is just awesome!

Someone told me today that life is not supposed to be this emotional roller coaster I am on at the moment but like a nice river with a steady flow. I really liked the sound of that and I could relate to that. I feel like I need to find my way back into the good feeling and how to stay there no matter what. When I learn that I will be a rich woman shortly after that I think. 🙂 Writing helps a lot even though this blog was not meant to went my personal things on but what the heck they are part of me. And I have decided that I will turn my life around and be successful in all areas so it is only fair that you get to follow me in my ups and downs.
The most fantastic river flows inside me, I just have to reach it. 

I want to thank my friends for listening to me, supporting and comforting me when I am down. You guys are true friends ans sometimes we sit and laugh even though we are crying and going through some rough periods. I feel very lucky to have you in my corner.  You are like Mickey in Rocky. Hard but right and you kick my ass when I need it.
I can do this!

 

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