I am not alone….

This will be one blurry post but I just need to get it out… 
Since I was a child I have had… hmm… followers. I heard them and they talked with me and I could feel them and I played with them but I could only “see” the bad ones and I had horrible nightmares until I was quite old. And then it suddenly all disappeared but sometimes I had visitors at night and they came as a person I knew and liked and we used to have really long conversations and they always left me with a really good feeling inside. One time when I was in a major depression a man came and he was sitting next to me when I was sleeping and he was gently touching my face and when I woke up I felt much better. I really missed having them around.

Yesterday I was standing with my Scooter waiting to cross a street when a drunk driver drives straight in to me. I got really scared because I fell on the side and hit my side into the pavement and I had an operation in November where they removed a lumbar disc so I was to be honest really freaking scared. The scooter was smashed and I called my colleagues and they came and helped me with the whole procedure and they took me to the hospital. 
They jack ass who drove started lying and said it was his girlfriend who drove and she backed him up. If you have ever been in Turkey then you know that the normal traffic rules only works in theory here so I was standing like on a crossing area with my scooter because it is so dangerous to cross and Mister Drunk driver came to fast and missed the road and drove straight into me. So he started to blame me as well for standing in the wrong place and then put the blame on his girlfriend. My colleagues tried to sort it out in private to protect me thinking that I was wrong but since they drove me to the hospital for x-rays a police case was opened. So that meant that I had to argue both with my colleagues and Mr Drunk Driver and his god damn girlfriend. My colleagues told me to do what I think was best but I have to do it alone. Luckily for me one friend and my ex works in that hospital and was backing me up and we agreed that I should just tell the truth like I always do and everything will be fine. And then the police came… I was so lucky that it was policemen that I have dealt with before when I was helping a customer and since I was sober and my credibility was a bit higher they listened to me and they separated the couple and they got the girl to withdraw her confession and then we spent the whole night waiting for Mr Drunk Driver to confess. After 3 hours he finally gave in and we could do the report. Then the next problem came… I had to do it alone in Turkish (my colleague didn’t want to get involved) but let me say this, the guys and woman at the police station was AMAZING!! 
I love the Turkish police. I made the report, I told the truth and I told them that I stood at the wrong place but they said that it doesn’t matter because the way he drove into me was totally his fault. They took his drivers licence away and he can apply for a new one in 6 months and he had to pay a quite high fine. The truth shall set you free….. 
I was so scared for my back, because I am fighting so hard to come back to normal. I was then really scared because I realized how lucky I am that only the scooter was damaged and i got a few bruises. I have worked in the hospital, I have seen the traffic accidents, I know that I am fortunate to sit here today and write this post. But I was only angry because he lied me straight in the face and that he tried to blame his girlfriend. He is such a piece of shit and I told him straight to his face that that he is a man without any honor. It took all of my strength to not smack across his mouth as he was lying. 

But the worst part was that I felt totally alone even though I was surrounded by people. If any other woman would be through the same thing they would hug her and let her cry and be upset.. But not me, because I am so strong that if I break they don’t know how to handle it. Yes I am really strong, I have been through so much crap that is more than enough for a whole lifetime but that is ok I can take that. But I am human too and I need to be allowed to take a step back and cry, receive a hug and a shoulder to lean on. But there never is a shoulder to lean on…. I just feel the tears coming and I can not allow them to fall because if I do, there is no one to stop them or wipe them away so I swallow and blink them away. 

So I came home in the middle of the night and one of my cats was waiting for me and he didn’t leave my side until I fell asleep. But someone else came and took over….
One of “them” came.. They came as one of the waiters at work named Osman. I like Osman very much he is a lovely person so I guess that is why they chose to come as him. He came and he just pulled me into his arms and he just stood and hold me there and kissed my forehead and he said I am not letting you go……… 
It was such a relive to feel “them” again. I am not alone, I am safe They are still here with me.. 🙂 
I felt sad this morning when I woke up because I had to leave them… And I have been low all day at work until one of my colleagues came and told me that he totally understood that guy and that he would also blame his girlfriend. I told him to fuck off in a nice way and I said that he wouldn’t say that if it was his kid that was hit. He just said we are all doing things that are illegal. What a bloody twat!! It just made me bat shit crazy and ever since I have been feeling like I want to get down to the beach, with a bottle of wine and a friend and just stick my feet into the sand and get rid of all of this bad energy. So that is exactly what I will be doing and I will cry and tomorrow I will be totally ok again and almost like new. 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that it is totally OK to have crap days and be angry, sad or whatever. Now I will go and have the breakdown I so well deserve. 
Be safe and don’t drink and drive!!

Over and out. 
Tinha

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But I am so grateful to be here today. 

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