Life and Death

Hello you wonderful people!
I hope you are all doing well. This is a bit of a therapeutic post for me so it is very personal so be prepared for that.

I have had a pretty tough week receiving news from Sweden that my grandma, she will be 92, is dying and at the same time I also ended up having some arguments with my mother on how she gives me news like this. So it has been a emotional roller coaster for me.

I come from a dysfunctional family so my grandparents has meant the world to me and they was more like my parents, so of course it feels horrible to lose my grandmother now. My grandfather died back in 2007 from Alzheimer and old age.♥

First I was really upset because it is the second time I receive this news within three months (my mother is a bit of a drama queen and loves to rock my world in a negative way) and this time I cant afford to travel home to see her.

I couldn’t call the nursing home the same day either because I received the news so late so I had to wait for 15 hours before I could call. It was not easy let me tell you that! And on the way to work, the day after,  I was passed by a totally black Mini Cooper.. For you who have been following me, you know that Mini Coopers has a special meaning to me. And this one spooked me. I know most of the MC in this town and I have never seen this one before. I guess it was Universes way of telling me to prepare myself.

Anyway when I came to work, I made the call and the nurse at the nursing home said that grandma wasn’t doing so well and she explained the procedure. Grandma didn’t want to stand up in the morning and she didn’t eat or drink. And she had told the staff that now she have had enough and that it’s time to leave.. The nurse said it could be a day, 1 week, 3 weeks etc. So even if I could come home it would be impossible to know exactly when it will happen. So I will do my best to be home for the funeral. There is not anyone left, except me and my mother, to attend her service so at least I want to be there.

So after the call I felt frustrated, I cried, I was angry and upset and scared. Most of all scared, you see losing her means that I am left alone and the plan was that I would have my own family when this day came. That is not the case.. And it hurts to be alone even if you are almost 40 year old. And my grandmother has been helping me a little bit financially since the salaries here in Turkey are very low. How will I be able to manage and move now? I know it is egoistic thinking and I felt bad for it but it is reality.

I also realized that I will not be able to move back to my city i Sweden as I had planned to. It is way to close to my mother and that is not good for my well being.The wounds are still open. In fact I don’t think moving to Sweden will do me any good at all, not mentally or physically. To realize that is not easy. It means I will have to relocate to another country again and I think it will be USA this time. But more about this later.

It all felt a bit overwhelming but then I talked to my two wonderful friends Marina and Helen and told them about my worries. Marina listened and said: –Why don’t you look into doing translations? That was the best thing anyone could ever do for me! She gave me an idea and it turned into a plan. Help to self-help! I really appreciate that Marina! It gave me perspective and I saw things in new light. I will do translations! Now I can stop worrying about the financial part and start being focused and determined instead.
Helen listened to me and my thoughts and it felt good to have someone who understood the anger and resentment I have towards my mother and the love I have for my grandmother. She have had the same kind of life so she totally understands. I have a fantastic tribe. I love you guys! ♥

Being my grandma’s closest relative means that I am the one who is responsible to arrange her funeral as well and it is a bit morbid to start thinking about that when she is still alive but it is a relief to have it done and I wont have to bother with that when D-day comes. Then I can allow myself to be sad and just be. So I have arranged for here to lay at the same place as my grandfather and my father. She don’t want a head stone so she will be in that area in the cemetery where they just bury them and you don’t really know where in that area they lay. But there is a designated place where you can light candles and put flowers and it is really nice there, peaceful. My grandfather is buried there as well so they will be together in a way. My father is buried in the same cemetery but he has his own grave. I think she will like to be in the same cemetery as both of them. I have arranged for a grey casket and pink and purple flowers. She likes those colors. I only need to find a nice little poem and it is done.

While writing this I feel peace inside of me because she will soon get to see the two men she loved and lost. They will be reunited once again. ♥
That makes it so much easier for me to let her go. She will not have pain and she will be happy. The life she has now is not a life, no dignity, we try to keep people alive as long as possible but I really feel that sometimes there are worse alternatives than death. People who used to be strong and healthy end their days in a diaper not knowing where they are or what is going on around them. Is that right? No I don’t think that is a dignified ending, I really don’t. They deserve better.

I tried to say good bye to her over the phone but it didn’t go so well. I have asked the staff to remind her that I love her. I am glad that I went home this Christmas even though it was hard to see how she had changed. Bless her..

I have called a few times during this last week and apparently she is better some days and some days she is really bad so there is no chance of telling when the passing will happen so I am trying to prepare myself the best I can and just keep sending her all the love and good vibes I can. I try to visualize her in front of me and I am telling her everything I would like to say and that it is OK to go. What else can I do?

Tomorrow I will take my only family picture of father and grandparents and make a bigger version of it and I will by a nice big frame for it. Then I will have my family with me always.

I know you guys will send me and my grandma some good energy, vibes and prayers and I thank you for that with all of my heart.
Namasté

Farmor och jag♥ The last picture of grandma and me on Christmas Eve 2014 ♥

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