Something that happened last week really triggered some things inside of me and brought back a lot of memories.
There is a person in my life that is supposed to be the closest one to me. The one who should know me the most, love me and just be there. My mother..
My mother is my weak spot, my Achilles heel. It is an open wound inside my heart because I can not for the life of me understand WHY she did what she did. HOW could she want to hurt me so much? For what purpose? I can’t understand it. I lost track of all the times I have tried to speak with her and how many times I have forgiven her and I try to forget everything until the next time we end up in a massive argument on the phone. Of course I am the useless child, the lazy woman who doesn’t know anything and I have made everything up. I am the problem. Maybe I am, at least my reaction and lack of control is part of the problem. You see I have run out of patience. I cant take it anymore.
It is hard to say what I am about to say but I don’t love my mother. And it is ok for me to feel like that. I took me a long time to admit this and to be ok with it. After all that has been I really can’t love her. I care for her, I wish her well, I wish her enough but mostly I feel sorry for her. I feel so sad that her whole life has been a struggle. Every day when she wakes up it is a fight. She feels unfairly treated by everyone, she is bitter and filled with hate. She made some really bad decisions in her life and she can’t take responsibility for them and make things right. She does the same thing over and over again expecting different results.. Einstein called that stupidity. But no matter how much I want to help her I can’t unless I get a tremendous amount of money. Then at least I could take her debts away from her and give her a few comfortable years. I wouldn’t spend them with her but I would make sure she had everything she needs.
But what about my inner child, the one who got abused? How do I comfort and heal her? Normally I would solve this conflict that is eating me up from inside by talking with my mother but since that is not an option I have to find a different solution. I have to let go of making her understand and my hate. I have to focus on me and how I feel. I have to find a way to forgive her once and for all so I can move forward because I truly feel that this is what has been blocking me all of these years. When I solve this part of the puzzle many things will fall into place.
I know my mother has had a hard life, she did what she could and knew and I can only forgive her because she didn’t know better. Even to this day when she hurts me I know that most of the times she doesn’t realize that she is doing it. When she is drinking then she wants to draw blood so then you just have to stay away. But being an orphan from Brazil she never learned how to be a mother.
For that I forgive her. But intentionally or unintentionally the it still hurts.
So to deal with this stress and frustration that I feel, I am working with EFT, Faster EFT, Binaural beats and Ho’oponopono.
It helps a lot and I can feel the shift inside of me. I am learning the EFT and it is really interesting and I like it so much. I have a lot of tapping to do ahead of me. I have to change every memory but I will do it. Meditation is too hard at this point since I feel really stressed but I will keep tapping because I refuse to continue this circle. When my time comes to be a mother I will be ready and I will have learned from this and I will make things right. Not only for me, but also for my mother. I will be the mother she wanted to be but never could be because she didn’t know how. I will not turn into my a bitter woman like my mother.
Maybe I will write a book about everything to get it out of my system. But if she would read it and against all odds realize what she has done and what it meant to me it would break her heart even more and I don’t want that. So if I do decide to write a book about this it has to wait until she is no longer with us.
Why am I writing all of this? For 2 reasons…
If you have a nice mother then please appreciate her! Show her that you love her and help her. You have something better than the biggest fortune. Appreciate that and value it.
If you have a mother who is like mine or worse. Please forgive her. Not for her sake, but for yours. Don’t carry the hate with you, it only keeps you from creating the life and happiness you want. Look at me, almost 40 and still single with no kids. Let’s change our future by changing the things that we can change, ourselves and make things right. After all we turned out pretty good didn’t we and we are still here breathing! 🙂 You don’t have to love her, you just have to stop hating her. Easier said than done but you can do it. I know you can.
And at the end of the day I am truly grateful that my mother taught me what kind of mother I want to be.
One thing though, no matter how drunk or badly she behaved I always had food and clean clothes and a room to sleep in until I was 15. And she gave me Sindy, my first dog who that became my rescue. For this I am so grateful.
I feel I need to do some more tapping now. 🙂
Over and out.