NOW I get it!!

Good morning ax handle is something we say in Swedish to a person who realizes things a bit late. In this case, yours truly…..

I have finally figured out why I am so stressed all the time lately.Last night when I went to bed I asked for answers and this morning it struck me like lightning from the sky… 
I am so stupid. (No I am not but you know what I mean) *rolls up a magazine and hits myself on the head with it* 
Seriously how could I not see that? Now I see it so clearly and it is so obvious.

But first of all I want to make this clear… I am not blaming my mother for all the crap that has happened in my life. Sure she is a part of it but it is up to me what I do with my life. I am only connecting the dots here so that I can take responsibility for my well being. It is my life and it is my job to make myself happy. 🙂

I really, REALLY have to deal with this mother issue. It is affecting my whole life. Ok hang in there I promise this will make sense and maybe it will help some of you out there as well. ( I sure hope so otherwise I will feel like a complete idiot for revealing all of this lol)

In Turkey it is common to great a person by stating that they got so fat. It sounds something like this:
– Hi Tinha, oh God you gained a lot of weight!! Of course this message is delivered in a very dramatic way! 

Needless to say it is not something you don’t want to hear. I have mirrors at home and I can feel how my clothes sits on me so trust me I know EXACTLY how I look. Anyway it would be hurtful for anyone to hear this but for me it really gets to it because it triggers a memory inside of me.
My mother and sister calling me their little fat kid, but to them it is in a loving way.. The Swedish word is “Tjockamolla”.
This is what I remember when the Turkish people say things like this to me and the FEELING it gives me is that I am not good enough. And then I get both angry, hurt and sad. This is important because when we work with LOA  feelings are so important. And if I am walking around not feeling good enough of course I will attract a lot of crap into my life! I knew I had issues, I just never understood exactly how deep this is rooted inside me. I thought I was doing OK and coping quite well. Did you notice the word coping? You are not supposed to “cope” with things like this you are supposed to work with the feelings, make peace with the situation, release it and be done with it so you can ENJOY your life!

But the weight is only one part of my mommy issues. My mother she made sure I had everything I needed when it came to money, food, roof over my head, clean clothes etc. And I know my mother loves me incredibly much. She just has a fucked up way of showing it! It is not her fault, she doesn’t know better and being a street child from Brazil growing up in a dysfunctional step family what can you expect? BUT it was her responsibility to deal with her issues and make her future better.. She didn’t.

My mother doesn’t know what my favorite food is, she doesn’t know when I feel crap, when I have a partner in my life etc. She doesn’t know how many cat’s I have or what their name is. She doesn’t know that every time she talks to me on the phone she is pouring salt in my emotional wounds because it reminds me of the fact that she has no interest what so ever to know these things about me. I have never felt emotional support from her. When I was in bad situations and needed her she actually made it worse. Those things hurts. She never had my back. It is always my fault.. No matter what. If something is wrong at my work, it is my fault. If my relationships fails it is because of me and my behavior. I know nothing. I am just a spoiled and lazy person who claims to have chronic pain and fatigue so I don’t have to work. I am a failure because I haven’t produced any children yet. But when all hell breaks loose and she can’t handle things then both she and my sister turns to me… The black sheep who knows nothing. THEN I am good enough.
Yes I really irritate me on that..

For the last 5 years our monthly phone conversations has been like this:
– Hi it is mummy, can you talk?
– Sure
– You need to transfer money so I can pay grandmas bills. (im handling my grandmas accounts)
– OK I will do that.
– Good. Are you OK? Do you have a job? Do you have a boyfriend?
– Yes I am fine, work is ok and no I dont have a boyfriend.
-Yes my child life is so hard.. It is so hard for me and grandma is doing ok but it is so difficult. (she means it is difficult for her to visit my grandma once a week and just have a cup of coffee with her) But I will keep fighting with my struggles.
-Ok but you and your partner, and grandma are ok?
-Yes we are good. OK bye I love you.

Then depending on the situation  we discuss my summer house or things with grandma. She asks for my advice on how I want to handle things and then she does the opposite and most of the times it costs me and my grandma a lot of money or it causes problems I have to sort out. 

And then I am ungrateful because I question her and we have all of the drama, screaming scene. She doesn’t know how to speak and communicate and she can not listen what so ever, not to me, not to her partners, to her colleagues or bosses. She has NEVER done anything wrong. It is always, without a doubt my fault. She is an alcoholic, she will never admit it because she managed to keep and manage her work, and feed me and keep our house clean. But when she drinks she is like an evil demon..  And of course I am the one provoking her to hit me, scream at me, to kidnap my dog, say the most horrible things to me or threaten to abandon my grandmother in Sweden while I am here in Turkey.

She is the one person who can get me from peaceful like Buddha himself to raging she devil in 0,3 seconds. And I am angry with myself for giving her this power over me. It is such an incredible stress factor for me. Because again I am not good enough, I don’t know anything, I am a failure, I am not responsible and I am lazy and not sick for real.
A mother is not supposed to make her child feel like this but that is actually her problem and her demons to fight. I think she is incredibly stupid because she has never taken responsibility for any of the things that happened and the she thinks she can do the same things over and over expecting a new result every time. And I have no patience with stupid.
Seriously, I cant handle truly stupid people who refuse to learn things and see it from a different perspective.

But anyway, so I left Sweden and I arrived to sunny Marmaris in Turkey. I felt great the first years. It was warm and sunny and I felt like I could breathe. My fibromyalgia got so much better that I actually was able to work for the first time in many, many years, talk about a boost for my self-esteem! I had a few jobs here and I managed to land one of the top jobs for a foreigner here in my city. I have an all year LEGAL work with insurance and a decent salary (it is peanut money for the most of you but for being Turkey and being a legal job it is a lot of money). But it is a male dominated workplace and most of the men are conservative. It is a problem…
Because in Turkey people love to gossip and the men are extreme with their gossip about everything and they talk very badly of women. At least at my work place it is like this.
And there is also a daily sexual harassment since I am a foreign single woman. And when you put down your foot and tell them that it is not ok then I am a problem and I am uncomfortable and it is my fault.. When I do the right thing and tells them that they are doing something wrong, it is still my fault. When they can’t sell to Scandinavians or European and I tell them why, it is still my fault. I mean if the sky would fall down over us it would still be my fault. They do wrong and I have to live with the consequences and there is no support to be found what so ever here. When I was hit by a car everyone was angry with me even though it wasn’t my fault. No hugs, no support, no compassion. If you have a suggestion that would make things better for them/their business they will not listen because what do I know? I am a woman and a foreigner. Nothing I ever do is never good enough. The harder I try the harder I will be fought back. And if I should stand my ground and defend myself then I am the problem. I am ungrateful. I have everything and still I complain. Does anything of this sounds familiar? Can you see the pattern?
NOW I can see it too.

I moved from Sweden and left my mother there and moved to Turkey and a country filled with “my mother”!!  Can you believe it? Talk about a message from the Universe…
You got to be fucking kidding me!! No wonder I am feeling stressed and frustrated here! It is so obvious. So this is really my Eat Pray Love journey. Before I leave Turkey I will release this issue with my mother so I don’t attract more of this.

By the way, I have had a lot of back problem during my whole life and do you know what that means according to wonderful Louise Hay? Lack of support and financial struggles.
It is head on! I bet as soon as I have released this mommy issue I can guarantee you that I will meet Mr Right, I will attract more money, the job I want and the move that I want. Wait and see. Some big changes are coming. Please feel free to send me some positive and healing energy. I will succeed with changing this. The dog days are over!! 🙂 Clarity and insight is a wonderful thing.

I am totally open to advice on how to work with this. I will use the tools of EFT, Fast EFT, Ho’oponopono and some chakra healing and of course meditations and affirmations.
And I am also open if any of you need some support on your journey towards happiness.
Just send me a PM.

May the force be with us all! 🙂
Peace


Preparing for my journeyPreparing to meet my demons..

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