I am walking down another street!

I love Dr Wayne Dyer and I miss him a lot, bless his soul. I often watch his seminars on YouTube and I try to implement what he taught us in his videos. There is especially one seminar, where he reads a poem by Portia Nelson that I like very much, and yesterday late at night I finally, got it. I really got it!

You see, I am a single woman, who is very attracted to the alpha male types. You know the highly successful men, who make things happen, they can make decisions and they are going somewhere in life. Many of them are business leaders, managers, CEO:s etc and some of them are narcissists…

I am very familiar with narcissists, I was raised by one, my mother. I later on dated them, but at that time they were bad boys. Then I grew up and met a very successful man, let’s call him P. He was a biker, but not one of those biker gang guys. He was handsome, smart, cool, and he could make money out of anything, he was very talented. I was so impressed by him, his intelligence and his ability to make money. And the best part, he really liked me, or at least so I thought..
He also had a son, who I later found out also was a narcissist and I spent more than 4 years living with them. It nearly destroyed me, I lost myself in the process. He broke my heart totally and it took a long, long time for me to pick up the pieces. This was before I moved to Turkey and he was one of the reasons to why I moved.

I cut all ties and seized all contact with him and his son. No fb, no messages, nothing. This was really hard because I was obsessed with him, his attention was like heroin to me. But I did it, because of  5 very good friends of mine. Veronica, Stellan, Christer, Ingela, Jeppe and Victoria. Without them I couldn’t have done it. Thank you!

I have bumped into him again a few times after that when I have been home, but I totally ignore him, no hello, no contact. I know very well that I can’t even talk to him even once, because I will be drawn into his web all over again and it will kill me this time. It is just like a sober heroin addict, who just  wants to have one small fix for old times sake. *KAABOOM* Straight back into addiction! And I love myself way too much to even consider it.

This was back in 2008 when the relationship ended and even today he is still effecting me very much, I dream about him a lot at night, he is in my mind. Sometimes I can hear his voice when there is something that triggers a memory. I used to hate him but I don’t anymore. I am grateful, because of him I started to read more and more about human behavior, I started to study my own behavior and I improved myself and many other positive things, I became more aware. I would never have done that if I would have stayed in his presence. He also taught me what red flags and warning signs to look out for. This was really learning by doing.

Unfortunately though, I don’t dare to trust my instincts when I see the red flags. I start to question myself, is it me who is overly cautious and paranoid? Perhaps I am just being silly and scared after the relationship I had? So I find myself in the same position over and over again since the universe will unmercifully repeat the situation until you have learned the damned lesson! That is how it is and I am a very, very slow learner sometimes.
Until yesterday that is..

Last year in 2o15, I met a man online, lets call him R.  He seemed perfect, he was tall, very intellectual, wanted kids, had an extremely high IQ, he was looking for the same kind of relationship as I was looking for and he really understood me. Sure there was a few things that was weird, we only had contact when he wanted to and sometimes he avoided my questions, it was like he was blowing hot and cold but I was really interested in him. We decided to meet and he flew out here to meet me. At this time I had some intense dreams about my ex P, I couldn’t understand why I had that. I was totally focused on the new guy so it didn’t make sense at all. Guess what, during those 3 days we spent together there was temper tantrums, he pushed me, he screamed at me for interrupting him, he got upset because I didn’t take good enough pictures of him and he took an incredible amount of selfies (around 100). It was all about him. I even left him in the restaurant in the middle of dinner because he was behaving totally unacceptable. After we parted I sent him an email asking him to send the few pictures he took of me, I never got an answer. He was another narcissist. The good news is that this time it took 3 days to figure it and not 4 years.

After this episode, I have bumped into a few more narcissists online, and the most current one is a Swedish man who was behaving very much like R, he even looks like R! The funny part is that it is the same story all over again, self focused, he is promoting himself, disappearing for a few weeks and then showing up again just to be so incredibly busy but he wants to fly out here and meet me. And guess what, I got so pissed off by his behavior!
Who the fuck do he think he is? You see, since I have been around so many narcissists, I have read up on them and I have learned to discover them sooner and I know how to break up with them. But it also made me stronger and it made me realize my own value and when someone tries to walk all over me I become angry and that anger helps me move mountains. So when Mr Sweden contacted me I politely blew him off and it felt great! You cannot win or get revenge on a narcissist, don’t even try. Just make sure that they leave you alone.

And then I realized one thing, this time I have been thinking a lot and having very vivid dreams about both P and R!! I didn’t make the connection until this Swedish man tried to do his trick again. Whenever I come close to a narcissist my subconscious is guiding and warning me and I have been too blocked to see it! *rolls up a newspaper and hits myself on the head with it!* Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

I mean it is so obvious, how could I not see it?!  And then when I went to bed and I had finished writing in my journal, it hit me straight in the face, gently with a chair, what Wayne Dyer and Portia Nelson wanted to say with this poem. Late shall the sinner awake..
If you want to see the video with Wayne Dyer when he reads the poem, click here

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

downhole

I am SO walking down another street my friends!!
Namaste,
Tinha

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NOW I get it!!

Good morning ax handle is something we say in Swedish to a person who realizes things a bit late. In this case, yours truly…..

I have finally figured out why I am so stressed all the time lately.Last night when I went to bed I asked for answers and this morning it struck me like lightning from the sky… 
I am so stupid. (No I am not but you know what I mean) *rolls up a magazine and hits myself on the head with it* 
Seriously how could I not see that? Now I see it so clearly and it is so obvious.

But first of all I want to make this clear… I am not blaming my mother for all the crap that has happened in my life. Sure she is a part of it but it is up to me what I do with my life. I am only connecting the dots here so that I can take responsibility for my well being. It is my life and it is my job to make myself happy. 🙂

I really, REALLY have to deal with this mother issue. It is affecting my whole life. Ok hang in there I promise this will make sense and maybe it will help some of you out there as well. ( I sure hope so otherwise I will feel like a complete idiot for revealing all of this lol)

In Turkey it is common to great a person by stating that they got so fat. It sounds something like this:
– Hi Tinha, oh God you gained a lot of weight!! Of course this message is delivered in a very dramatic way! 

Needless to say it is not something you don’t want to hear. I have mirrors at home and I can feel how my clothes sits on me so trust me I know EXACTLY how I look. Anyway it would be hurtful for anyone to hear this but for me it really gets to it because it triggers a memory inside of me.
My mother and sister calling me their little fat kid, but to them it is in a loving way.. The Swedish word is “Tjockamolla”.
This is what I remember when the Turkish people say things like this to me and the FEELING it gives me is that I am not good enough. And then I get both angry, hurt and sad. This is important because when we work with LOA  feelings are so important. And if I am walking around not feeling good enough of course I will attract a lot of crap into my life! I knew I had issues, I just never understood exactly how deep this is rooted inside me. I thought I was doing OK and coping quite well. Did you notice the word coping? You are not supposed to “cope” with things like this you are supposed to work with the feelings, make peace with the situation, release it and be done with it so you can ENJOY your life!

But the weight is only one part of my mommy issues. My mother she made sure I had everything I needed when it came to money, food, roof over my head, clean clothes etc. And I know my mother loves me incredibly much. She just has a fucked up way of showing it! It is not her fault, she doesn’t know better and being a street child from Brazil growing up in a dysfunctional step family what can you expect? BUT it was her responsibility to deal with her issues and make her future better.. She didn’t.

My mother doesn’t know what my favorite food is, she doesn’t know when I feel crap, when I have a partner in my life etc. She doesn’t know how many cat’s I have or what their name is. She doesn’t know that every time she talks to me on the phone she is pouring salt in my emotional wounds because it reminds me of the fact that she has no interest what so ever to know these things about me. I have never felt emotional support from her. When I was in bad situations and needed her she actually made it worse. Those things hurts. She never had my back. It is always my fault.. No matter what. If something is wrong at my work, it is my fault. If my relationships fails it is because of me and my behavior. I know nothing. I am just a spoiled and lazy person who claims to have chronic pain and fatigue so I don’t have to work. I am a failure because I haven’t produced any children yet. But when all hell breaks loose and she can’t handle things then both she and my sister turns to me… The black sheep who knows nothing. THEN I am good enough.
Yes I really irritate me on that..

For the last 5 years our monthly phone conversations has been like this:
– Hi it is mummy, can you talk?
– Sure
– You need to transfer money so I can pay grandmas bills. (im handling my grandmas accounts)
– OK I will do that.
– Good. Are you OK? Do you have a job? Do you have a boyfriend?
– Yes I am fine, work is ok and no I dont have a boyfriend.
-Yes my child life is so hard.. It is so hard for me and grandma is doing ok but it is so difficult. (she means it is difficult for her to visit my grandma once a week and just have a cup of coffee with her) But I will keep fighting with my struggles.
-Ok but you and your partner, and grandma are ok?
-Yes we are good. OK bye I love you.

Then depending on the situation  we discuss my summer house or things with grandma. She asks for my advice on how I want to handle things and then she does the opposite and most of the times it costs me and my grandma a lot of money or it causes problems I have to sort out. 

And then I am ungrateful because I question her and we have all of the drama, screaming scene. She doesn’t know how to speak and communicate and she can not listen what so ever, not to me, not to her partners, to her colleagues or bosses. She has NEVER done anything wrong. It is always, without a doubt my fault. She is an alcoholic, she will never admit it because she managed to keep and manage her work, and feed me and keep our house clean. But when she drinks she is like an evil demon..  And of course I am the one provoking her to hit me, scream at me, to kidnap my dog, say the most horrible things to me or threaten to abandon my grandmother in Sweden while I am here in Turkey.

She is the one person who can get me from peaceful like Buddha himself to raging she devil in 0,3 seconds. And I am angry with myself for giving her this power over me. It is such an incredible stress factor for me. Because again I am not good enough, I don’t know anything, I am a failure, I am not responsible and I am lazy and not sick for real.
A mother is not supposed to make her child feel like this but that is actually her problem and her demons to fight. I think she is incredibly stupid because she has never taken responsibility for any of the things that happened and the she thinks she can do the same things over and over expecting a new result every time. And I have no patience with stupid.
Seriously, I cant handle truly stupid people who refuse to learn things and see it from a different perspective.

But anyway, so I left Sweden and I arrived to sunny Marmaris in Turkey. I felt great the first years. It was warm and sunny and I felt like I could breathe. My fibromyalgia got so much better that I actually was able to work for the first time in many, many years, talk about a boost for my self-esteem! I had a few jobs here and I managed to land one of the top jobs for a foreigner here in my city. I have an all year LEGAL work with insurance and a decent salary (it is peanut money for the most of you but for being Turkey and being a legal job it is a lot of money). But it is a male dominated workplace and most of the men are conservative. It is a problem…
Because in Turkey people love to gossip and the men are extreme with their gossip about everything and they talk very badly of women. At least at my work place it is like this.
And there is also a daily sexual harassment since I am a foreign single woman. And when you put down your foot and tell them that it is not ok then I am a problem and I am uncomfortable and it is my fault.. When I do the right thing and tells them that they are doing something wrong, it is still my fault. When they can’t sell to Scandinavians or European and I tell them why, it is still my fault. I mean if the sky would fall down over us it would still be my fault. They do wrong and I have to live with the consequences and there is no support to be found what so ever here. When I was hit by a car everyone was angry with me even though it wasn’t my fault. No hugs, no support, no compassion. If you have a suggestion that would make things better for them/their business they will not listen because what do I know? I am a woman and a foreigner. Nothing I ever do is never good enough. The harder I try the harder I will be fought back. And if I should stand my ground and defend myself then I am the problem. I am ungrateful. I have everything and still I complain. Does anything of this sounds familiar? Can you see the pattern?
NOW I can see it too.

I moved from Sweden and left my mother there and moved to Turkey and a country filled with “my mother”!!  Can you believe it? Talk about a message from the Universe…
You got to be fucking kidding me!! No wonder I am feeling stressed and frustrated here! It is so obvious. So this is really my Eat Pray Love journey. Before I leave Turkey I will release this issue with my mother so I don’t attract more of this.

By the way, I have had a lot of back problem during my whole life and do you know what that means according to wonderful Louise Hay? Lack of support and financial struggles.
It is head on! I bet as soon as I have released this mommy issue I can guarantee you that I will meet Mr Right, I will attract more money, the job I want and the move that I want. Wait and see. Some big changes are coming. Please feel free to send me some positive and healing energy. I will succeed with changing this. The dog days are over!! 🙂 Clarity and insight is a wonderful thing.

I am totally open to advice on how to work with this. I will use the tools of EFT, Fast EFT, Ho’oponopono and some chakra healing and of course meditations and affirmations.
And I am also open if any of you need some support on your journey towards happiness.
Just send me a PM.

May the force be with us all! 🙂
Peace


Preparing for my journeyPreparing to meet my demons..

Learning to heal and forgive..

Something that happened last week really triggered some things inside of me and brought back a lot of memories.
There is a person in my life that is supposed to be the closest one to me. The one who should know me the most, love me and just be there. My mother.. 

My mother is my weak spot, my Achilles heel. It is an open wound inside my heart because I can not for the life of me understand WHY she did what she did. HOW could she want to hurt me so much? For what purpose? I can’t understand it. I lost track of all the times I have tried to speak with her and how many times I have forgiven her and I try to forget everything until the next time we end up in a massive argument on the phone. Of course I am the useless child, the lazy woman who doesn’t know anything and I have made everything up. I am the problem. Maybe I am, at least my reaction and lack of control is part of the problem. You see I have run out of patience. I cant take it anymore. 

It is hard to say what I am about to say but I don’t love my mother. And it is ok for me to feel like that. I took me a long time to admit this and to be ok with it. After all that has been I really can’t love her. I care for her,  I wish her well, I wish her enough but mostly I feel sorry for her. I feel so sad that her whole life has been a struggle. Every day when she wakes up it is a fight. She feels unfairly treated by everyone, she is bitter and filled with hate. She made some really bad decisions in her life and she can’t take responsibility for them and make things right. She does the same thing over and over again expecting different results.. Einstein called that stupidity. But no matter how much I want to help her I can’t unless I get a tremendous amount of money. Then at least I could take her debts away from her and give her a few comfortable years. I wouldn’t spend them with her but I would make sure she had everything she needs. 

But what about my inner child, the one who got abused? How do I comfort and heal her? Normally I would solve this conflict that is eating me up from inside by talking with my mother but since that is not an option I have to find a different solution. I have to let go of making her understand and my hate. I have to focus on me and how I feel. I have to find a way to forgive her once and for all so I can move forward because I truly feel that this is what has been blocking me all of these years. When I solve this part of the puzzle many things will fall into place.

I know my mother has had a hard life, she did what she could and knew and I can only forgive her because she didn’t know better. Even to this day when she hurts me I know that most of the times she doesn’t realize that she is doing it. When she is drinking then she wants to draw blood so then you just have to stay away. But being an orphan from Brazil she never learned how to be a mother. 
For that I forgive her. But intentionally or unintentionally the it still hurts. 

So to deal with this stress and frustration that I feel, I am working with EFT, Faster EFT, Binaural beats and Ho’oponopono.
It helps a lot and I can feel the shift inside of me. I am learning the EFT and it is really interesting and I like it so much. I have a lot of tapping to do ahead of me. I have to change every memory but I will do it. Meditation is too hard at this point since I feel really stressed but I will keep tapping because I refuse to continue this circle. When my time comes to be a mother I will be ready and I will have learned from this and I will make things right. Not only for me, but also for my mother. I will be the mother she wanted to be but never could be because she didn’t know how. I will not turn into my a bitter woman like my mother. 

Maybe I will write a book about everything to get it out of my system. But if she would read it and against all odds realize what she has done and what it meant to me it would break her heart even more and I don’t want that. So if I do decide to write a book about this it has to wait until she is no longer with us. 

Why am I writing all of this? For 2 reasons…

If you have a nice mother then please appreciate her! Show her that you love her and help her. You have something better than the biggest fortune. Appreciate that and value it. 

If you have a mother who is like mine or worse. Please forgive her. Not for her sake, but for yours. Don’t carry the hate with you, it only keeps you from creating the life and happiness you want. Look at me, almost 40 and still single with no kids. Let’s change our future by changing the things that we can change, ourselves and make things right. After all we turned out pretty good didn’t we and we are still here breathing! 🙂 You don’t have to love her, you just have to stop hating her. Easier said than done but you can do it. I know you can.

And at the end of the day I am truly grateful that my mother taught me what kind of mother I want to be. 
One thing though, no matter how drunk or badly she behaved I always had food and clean clothes and a room to sleep in until I was 15. And she gave me Sindy, my first dog who that became my rescue. For this I am so grateful. 

I feel I need to do some more tapping now. 🙂
Over and out.

Peace.